The obsessive desire to control everything: how to get rid of it? The desire to control everything How to stop everything

Tags: About the subtleties of meditation

“If you don’t control it, everything will go wrong.”

“For everything to go well, you need to think through every detail of your every action.”

“Only by planning ahead can you achieve success.”

These and similar beliefs often help people move forward and achieve what they want. There are situations where they are useful. But what if such beliefs apply to any life event? What if a person is trying to control everything completely?

Life is a thing that cannot be completely predicted. And for many people, this fact is a source of constant, chronic stress. If something doesn't go according to plan, a person finds himself in a state of stress.

Today we will talk about excessive control, when it is not beneficial, but harmful.

Excessive control (psychologists also use the term "overcontrol") can manifest itself in different ways. For example, on weekends, instead of resting, a person constantly checks his email and calls to work.

The controller does not like to entrust certain matters to other people: what if they do something wrong? The controller also seeks to check the behavior of others.

The controller’s head is constantly filled with a thousand thoughts, which can sometimes be very exhausting: “What if such and such happens? What’s the best thing to do?”, “If it’s like this, then I’ll do it this way.”

Overcontrol has two main consequences:

Chronic tension. There is always a risk of unforeseen situations, and for a controller this is scary. Therefore, he is in constant good shape.
Refusal of opportunities. Trying to act only according to the plan, the controller pushes himself into a narrow framework and does not see new opportunities that do not fit into the original plan. For example, if an inspector came to the forest to pick mushrooms and discovered that other people had collected all the mushrooms before him, he may become very upset, angry and not notice a large raspberry patch full of tasty and ripe berries.

What is the alternative to excessive control?

Nowadays, many people use the phrase “being in the flow.” What does it mean? You have expectations, plans and dreams that you strive for. But at the same time, you are in the moment “here and now”, calmly and joyfully accept what is happening, use the events that happen to you for your own benefit.

Instead of thinking: “Oh horror! My plans have collapsed!”, you should say to yourself: “Yeah. It happened like this. How can I use this?
Relaxation, improvisation and trust in the events that happen “here and now”, the ability to benefit from them, is the best alternative to excessive control.

How to achieve this?

It’s easy to say, “Relax, let go, and learn to make the best of what you have.” This is much more difficult to do.

If you are used to being in total control of everything, then a simple logical understanding that you should let go of the situation will not help. No matter how hard you try to “be in the flow,” you most likely will not succeed.

As soon as something unpredictable happens, tension is bound to arise. Tension appears involuntarily and cannot be controlled through willpower or logic.

How then? A great way to learn to let go of control is to start meditating regularly.

The entire subsequent text will be devoted to an analysis of how meditation helps you learn to let go of control. This information is primarily addressed to those people who are at least general outline familiar with the practice of meditation. If you came across this article by chance and don’t know what meditation is, you may not be entirely clear what I’m writing about. My blog has a ton of articles on meditation. You can start getting acquainted with meditation practice with this material:

So let's talk about meditation and overcontrol.

What happens inside meditation that allows you to learn to let go of excessive control? I highlighted three important points.

1. Awareness of your own attempts to control

Meditation is always a mini-model of life: what happens in life also happens during meditation. Only if in life a lot happens in the background and is not noticed, then in meditation everything becomes visible as if under a magnifying glass.

The controlling person is faced with the fact that he is trying to control the process of meditation:
“Am I meditating correctly or incorrectly?” “But I have some unpleasant sensations in my body and tension. Something urgently needs to be done about this. Otherwise it’s not according to Feng Shui.”
“Some thoughts creep into my head. We need to remove them so that our head is free from unnecessary thoughts.”

Some people find that during meditation they begin to control their breathing and cannot do anything about it.

All attempts to control anything during meditation lead to nothing good. For example, the more you try to get rid of tension, the more tension arises in the body (see more about this).

The more you try to get rid of thoughts, the more inconvenience they cause (read about this).
All attempts to “meditate correctly” knock you out of the meditative state.

Let me remind you that within meditation all changes occur as a result of the development of awareness. Excessive control is a trait that manifests itself unconsciously and automatically in most situations. A person usually does not monitor when excessive control is activated.

During meditation, it becomes possible to see in detail all your attempts to control. The point is that you take the position of an observer in relation to your desire to control: you calmly and with interest notice every time control turns on inside.

Are you starting to control your breathing? Just notice it and allow control to be there.
Are you trying to control your thoughts? Just be aware of your attempt at control.

I would like to emphasize that there is no need to try to get rid of control. You simply won't succeed. All that is required of you is to realize your attempts to control the uncontrollable, to take the position of an observer in relation to your control.

Be prepared for the fact that at first you will find yourself in control every now and then. You may notice that you are constantly monitoring the entire meditation process. And I want to tell you that if this happens, then it is absolutely normal! Just remain aware of your own control.
Admittedly, this can be quite boring at first. People often expect miracles from meditation. And here you won’t have any insights, deep discoveries or incredible sensations.

But if you patiently continue your practice and spend at least 15 minutes daily meditating, you will find that after a few days or weeks (everyone is different), the attempts to control will gradually begin to go away. They will be replaced by the ability to be present in the present moment, trust in what is happening “here and now.”

I repeat that at first, training may not bring visible results. And the main thing here is not to give up, but to continue practicing.
Imagine a puddle with the sun shining on it. At first glance, it seems that the sun has no effect on the puddle. Look at a puddle for 5 minutes and you will see that it has not changed at all during this time. But if you watch longer, you will find that the sun is gradually drying up the puddle.

Just as the sun dries up a puddle, mindfulness destroys excessive control. This happens gradually, without sudden changes. You simply patiently illuminate with your attention what previously remained behind the scenes and was not realized.

2. Trust in what is happening

In the process of meditation, a person comes face to face with his inability to control. He clearly discovers that he is not able to control even himself: thoughts, sensations, emotions cannot be controlled. He cannot control his breathing: if he tries not to breathe, at a certain moment the body will inhale on its own, without control.

During meditation, the experience gradually appears: what happens outside of control is right and good. There is trust in something that cannot be controlled.

For example, you don't need to control your breathing. The body itself manages this process, and you can trust it.

Moreover, by letting go of control, you may find that many things begin to improve on their own. Natural processes are launched that were impossible when trying to control. For example, this is how relaxation occurs. It comes at the moment when control goes away (read more about this).

I want to emphasize that during meditation it is not knowledge that comes, but experience. You can still understand with your head that you don’t need to control everything, it’s much easier and better to let go of control and trust. But understanding at the head level is very little. If there is excessive control, it means that somewhere deep inside there is an irrational belief that security can only be ensured by the method of total control. And it is very difficult to defeat this belief with logic.

During meditation, it is not knowledge at the head level that comes, but experience. A person constantly comes face to face with what is beyond his control, and gradually begins to discover that nothing terrible happens and that he can trust what is happening. This is not a logical conclusion. It's an experience.

3. Acceptance of the moment “here and now”

Attempts to control are always associated with the fact that a person is afraid of the present moment, of what is happening to him right “here and now.” He may not like this moment, and then he runs away from it, striving for something else. The essence of all actions taken is to escape from the reality that does not suit him.

Another option is also possible. The controller may like what is happening to him in the present, but he is terrified of change. What if it gets worse? The here and now moment is something that is constantly flowing, moving and changing. And the controller is trying to preserve reality, make it freeze, stop moving. That is, again we see that the moment “here and now” is not accepted entirely, in its entirety.

When there is no acceptance, struggle begins. A person spends all his energy trying to escape from the current moment or preserve it unchanged.

Meditation is a practice where a person learns to remain in the moment “here and now.” He fixes his attention on what is happening right here, at this very moment.

If there is pain and discomfort in the present moment, in meditation a person can simply stay with these experiences without running away from them.

And then the experience arises that whatever happens is bearable, and therefore there is no need to fight what happens “here and now.” Attempts to control are replaced by acceptance.

Many people confuse acceptance with giving up trying to do something. But that's not true. Imagine walking along a road and discovering that it has been dug up. It is impossible to go further. Not taking action is sitting next to a ditch and doing nothing.

An attempt to control excessively means developing violent activity, getting nervous, frantically wondering what to do, wasting a lot of energy on the thought: “What if you can’t cross the ditch?”, and performing chaotic and ineffective actions.

Instead of giving up action or frantic activity, which is based on stress, you can calmly accept that yes, there is a ditch, and it prevents you from moving on. And after that, you can look for possible solutions to the problem. Unlike attempts to overcontrol, there is no catastrophizing of the situation. She accepts it calmly. This means that energy and strength are not wasted on useless experiences.

So, if you know that you spend a lot of strength and energy on excessive control, start meditating regularly. This will help you let go or loosen control where it is not needed. That's all I have for today. Share your thoughts and ideas in the comments!

Greetings dears!

Well, it looks like the sequel is ready.

The desire to follow plans, make goals the meaning of life and constantly discipline oneself and others - all this gives rise to an attempt to control.

Whether it's good or bad is all relative. We can try to live in total control, being sure that everything depends only on ourselves. But the pleasure is dubious, to be honest.

Trying to subordinate everything to our will and keep ourselves in check, we not only live in stress and move away from happiness day after day. But besides this, Life begins to show more and more often that your will and your intention are secondary.

There is something that does not depend in any way on our control, abilities, opportunities, from what money can buy..... And Life repeatedly confirms this. Therefore, external control can be useful, but in moderation.

As I have seen from personal experience, it is useful to allow the flow of Life to open new horizons for us, pushing us in this direction.

In summary, it is useful to learn to let go of the situation and allow it to develop naturally, for the benefit of everyone involved. Take the steps that depend on you right now. And let everything happen in the best way, and it’s okay if you don’t know all the details of the future.

And everything will happen somewhat spontaneously, unexpectedly, in a slightly different format (not the way you imagined it), in any case, as it should be, so it will be - Regardless of your will or wishes for the development of events in some certain way.

The main idea of this article is don’t cling. After all, excessive control (including self-control) is born from a feeling of anxiety about the future... From endlessly spinning thoughts in the head about whether something will work out or not. Control is the desire to have a certain status, gain power, image, an attempt to be at the top of success.

The desire to control everything and subordinate circumstances to your will is born from the desire to create external freedom and a beautiful life in the future.

In a constant striving for everything to always work out well and correctly... But this does not happen in principle. You can't fool yourself.

Yes, and how good and correct and why exactly? Everything is learned by comparison.

Every plus has its downside, and vice versa....

My current philosophy was formed naturally, as a result of a three-year experiment. The point is to let go of as many things as possible. Let go internally.... Get rid of it, unhook it, stop thinking about it, worry about it and attach great importance to it.

For me this means not identifying things like happiness or success with the presence of something or its absence.... In this case, you eliminate attempts to control, do not make everything too dependent on the result.

In fact, for me now the very concept result became very blurry and lost its significance. I just do what I like and realize that my ideas and intentions will be adjusted by Life, as it will be better for everyone.

If we talk about projects on the Internet, in business relationships I simply use the “Win-Win” rule. And if at some point the game starts to turn against me, and I feel that I can’t influence it in any way, this is a sign - it’s time to get out of it.

If a direction has become a routine, I just leave it. Why create difficulties and try to put things on autopilot - if it no longer brings joy and you are fully realized in it?

Therefore, having started a business, caught a wave, I act according to the circumstances, observing where they lead me, why exactly, what benefit I can get from new events and how, thanks to all this, I can begin to live even more naturally and happily.

If you take on something that you sincerely like now, you accept that you can get results or not. Now or later. And you take on this simply because there is a sincere interest in what is connected with it: the process, experience, new insights, joy, harmony, you watch how events unfold and this in itself is interesting. There will be results - well, great, that means Life has prepared an additional bonus.

...In an attempt to control, happiness disappears. After all, if we don’t trust life, then we climb everywhere and try to show our will in any situation even beyond our control. Which means this is not at all what ultimately leads to happiness...

In addition, a few words about internal freedom (when external control is released).....

By the way, for a long time I tried to somehow artificially manifest and implement in my Life what I will write about below. And at one point events developed in such a way (unexpectedly) that I understood everything without making a single effort. It didn’t even require any artificial technology like “Step-by-step guide on how to become happy.” Everything natural does not require these “how-to and quick solutions with a guarantee.”

Happiness is not marketing and everything that happiness is is difficult to express in words.

Inner freedom is happiness, to which I am gradually returning. Namely....

1) Inner freedom from thoughts that constantly spin in your head, because of which 90% of the time you do not belong to yourself AT ALL.

2) Inner freedom from limiting beliefs. From what you can, should, when you should, in what form, about the personal path of development....

3) Inner freedom from other people's opinions and attitudes towards me.

4) Internal freedom from concepts and frameworks - how it should be and why it will be right and good.

5) Internal freedom from being caught up in certain people and relationships in business (in any field).

6) Internal freedom from stereotypes - according to what canons I should behave, who I should position myself as, what and how to say.

7) Inner freedom from the connection of happiness and success with the possession or lack of something. Now I don’t identify myself with any junk, even if it’s rude... If it happens, it’s good, if it doesn’t, it won’t.

All this together, on at the moment allows you to return to your natural state of happiness. Not conditioned by anything... It’s good that I allowed myself this.

Perhaps in future publications I will cover each point in detail, add a story or a specific example from life. It’s up to me how it responds to me or not, and I’ll take a look at your feedback at the same time.

This blog is read by many beginners. I remember my first days on the Internet, in general - the first days in a new Life, when you make a decision to change something for the better.

And what I’m writing to you about now was not taken seriously by the former me. The emphasis was only on systems-technologies-models-goals. However, it took me three whole years to come to awareness.... I know this is just the beginning.

Now I am convinced that everyone comes to this understanding in due time and returns to a Life they like, where there is no place for self-deception, illusions and attempts to attract happiness and certain values “someday later.” Perhaps, with the help of my publications, you will need less time than it took me.

With respect and wishes of happiness,

Alexandra Kozlova.

Where does the Controller go at the new level of personality development? As we remember, he turns into a Philosopher (I Don’t Care) - his opposite, who lives by accepting people and events. But is it really possible that a person, having answered his own question? how to stop controlling everything , having realized that happiness cannot be achieved this way, is he really able to do it? Now he will let go of the steering wheel, cross his arms over his chest and will completely give up control of his life?

New role of the Controller

Of course, we remember that the Controller is also the Aggressor and the Executioner. Having crossed over, he transforms into a Philosopher who refuses to control life... because it is useless. Nothing will work anyway.

Attempts at control fail

How, for example, can you control your husband (or boyfriend) or wife? Yes, this is impossible... Those who want something of their own, something important for themselves, will do it anyway! Even if you don't like it, you have to admit that your partner is achieving his goals, his personal happiness. Even if you don't like it - how. Even if it hurts you, even if he promised that he wouldn’t do that.

It is impossible to control. So there's no point in trying. All attempts at control lead to the fact that you torment yourself, but there is no point in doing so. Quite the contrary - you begin to see your partner’s “sins” even where there are none.

Therefore, we rather need to work on the question - how to stop husband (man, guy) or wife (girl) than to try to do this seriously.

So, where should you place your Controller?

The controller is a strong subpersonality (part of the personality), you can’t just throw it into the trash heap. And it's not necessary! A philosopher is a global scale, a way of looking at the World and your life as a whole. And the Controller remains in official roles. The philosopher is a general, the Controller is a soldier.

The controller looks after HIMSELF

What does this look like in practice? A person consciously decides to play some kind of social game (for example, opens a business, or goes to work, or starts a family). The controller monitors compliance with the rules of the game - and, mainly takes care of himself . And only secondarily for their partners. This balance cannot be shifted. Even when, for example, he resolves an issue with his son/daughter. He poses the question not of how to effectively rein him in and make him obey, but - give freedom . Which will be useful for the development of this child. And she tries to deal with her fears about the child within herself. Without involving others, without trying to “stand” them according to your scenario.

Global goals - the goals of the Philosopher

For the global goal (winning and from this) it is the Philosopher who answers. He does not allow the Controller to spoil the fun of the game with petty quibbles and details. He does not allow a victory to be devalued if it lacks some nuance.

To use a car metaphor, the Controller keeps his hands on the steering wheel and watches for road signs as well as other cars to avoid getting into an accident. The philosopher sits in the back seat and enjoys the ride, and it is he who knows about her goal. In the most general terms, it sets the direction of movement, and the specific route is laid by the Controller.

The philosopher also monitors the general condition of the “car”, including the Controller (is he tired, is he attentive). The trip is carried out for the Philosopher, the Controller is only a driver, a servant.

The philosopher answers the question “ For what do we? (live?)"
The controller answers the question “ How do we? (we live?)»

The question of purpose is the main one

AND question of purpose here, of course, he’s in charge, no matter how you look at it. If the goal (dream) is very warming, a person can drive himself into very, very strict conditions, schedules, frameworks, and can deliberately endure hardships “in the name of.” To external observers it may then seem that he has a very strong Controller, but in fact the Controller performs a subordinate function. He serves the Philosopher (or Hero), who limits his freedom himself, consciously, in the name of his goal.

The most important difference between the Controller in the Heroic triangle (Hero-Philosopher-Provocateur) and a similar subpersonality in Karpman’s dramatic triangle is that he changes the vector of attention. The controller in Karpman's triangle monitors the outside world, he always knows how to do it, and is always ready to say what those around him are doing wrong.

Controller in the Heroic Triangle takes care of himself – his attention is directed inward. It is impossible to change the world, you can only change yourself - and that’s what he’s working on.

Controller – Inner Father

He turns into an internal manager, Internal who, instead of making claims and always improving something in the external World, now does it in the internal. Claims - to yourself, improvements - yourself. He is in charge of all issues of keeping promises, punctuality, and respecting boundaries (his own and others). Making plans and following them.

You can't change those around you, but you can change yourself

All the Controller's energy moves inward. Instead of finding fault with others and life in general, he makes sure that everything is as good and harmonious as possible. fit into life .

What happens to a person if he has no Controller at all?

If the Controller disappears (or never existed), then this is a person about whom people say “spineless.” He can't achieve his goals - they either don’t appear - the person is so “fallen” into the Philosopher that he accepts All in life as it is. And in this case, he is lying to himself - life is structured in such a way that a person cannot be satisfied with everything, there are definitely areas that need improvement.

If he realizes his needs, he stops lying, he understands that achieving any goal requires effort . And a person must have a subpersonality that is responsible for discipline and compliance with the rules of the game, otherwise there will be no game.

Learned to manage yourself - you know how to manage others

They say about people who can manage themselves: “a person with strong character", with good will. But managing others is born precisely as a result of the ability to manage oneself . In fact, the entire external world is a reflection of the internal. If a person has managed to hear all his subpersonalities and come to an agreement with them in such a way as to be holistic, total, he will be able to act effectively in the outside World.

What tasks should be given to the internal Controller?

The Inner Controller must be used by giving him tasks that are useful for the individual. For example:

monitor the tension in the body
develop good habits and give up bad ones
It’s useful, for example, to train yourself to ask yourself 3-4 times a day: “ Who am I? What am I doing now? What do I feel? What am I thinking about? What I want?»

This allows you to always feel state of the Inner Child, help him in time, and don’t forget about your goals either. This increases awareness and leads to a more vibrant and fulfilling life—more happiness in the long run.

be on time
get things done
keep your promises
pay debts

and end... The list can be continued indefinitely, but it should be YOUR list and for a specific period of time or for a specific task.

If a person himself does not do everything necessary for his victory, then there is no point in demanding this from others.

For example, a woman who is trying to control a man should stop doing this, and decide the question - how to become for him the kind of woman from whom he does not want to leave. The one you want to return to, even if you left.

How to stop controlling everything? Only through the realization that it is impossible to achieve the goal (happiness) through controlling the world around us. Life is too huge, we cannot control the weather, the world economy, even our loved ones - husband, wife, child, friends, employees - and even then we cannot! Only yourself. Only this tool (our body, emotions, consciousness) is always available to us. From now on, our internal Controller - the kind and understanding Inner Father - will remind, advise, even punish... but if we do this for ourselves, then we will not be offended, right? Who knows how to make me feel good? Only me...

What do you think?

It is impossible to completely get rid of the Controller. Because you need it to manage your own life. Without the Controller, we will not be able to complete any goal. But you need to stop controlling others; it is ineffective and takes too much energy. Who should the former Controller become? What to call him, what tasks to give him and how to communicate with him within yourself? How will our lives change if we do this?

Where does the Controller go at the new level of personality development? As we remember, he turns into a Philosopher (I Don’t Care) - his opposite, who lives by accepting people and events. But is it really possible that a person, having answered his own question? how to stop controlling everything, having realized that happiness cannot be achieved this way, is he really able to do it? Now he will let go of the steering wheel, cross his arms and completely relinquish control of his life?

New role of the Controller

Of course, we remember that the Controller is also the Aggressor and the Executioner. Going to +1 level, he transforms into a Philosopher who refuses to control life... because it is useless. Nothing will work anyway.

Attempts at control fail

How, for example, can you control your husband (or boyfriend) or wife? Yes, this is impossible... Anyone who wants to change something of their own, for example... (read - achieve their goals, their personal happiness), will do it anyway! Therefore, you rather need to work on the question of how to stop controlling your husband (man, boyfriend) or wife (girl), rather than try to do it seriously.

So, where should you place your Controller?

The controller is a strong subpersonality (part of the personality), you can’t just throw it in the trash. And it's not necessary! A philosopher is a global scale, a way of looking at the World (your life) as a whole. And the Controller remains in official roles. The philosopher is a general, the Controller is a soldier.

The controller looks after HIMSELF

What does this look like in practice? A person consciously decides to play a certain social game(for example, starting a business, or going to work, or starting a family). The controller monitors compliance with the rules of the game - and, mainly takes care of himself. And only secondarily for their partners.

This balance cannot be shifted. Even when, for example, he resolves an issue with his son/daughter. He poses the question not of how to effectively rein him in and make him obey, but how to stop controlling a child - give freedom. Which will be useful for the development of this child. And she tries to deal with her fears about the child within herself. Without involving others, without trying to “build” them according to your own scenario.

Global goals - the goals of the Philosopher

It is the Philosopher who is responsible for the global goal (gain and happiness from this). He does not allow the Controller to spoil the fun of the game with petty quibbles and details. He does not allow a victory to be devalued if it lacks some nuance.

The philosopher answers the question “ For what do we? (live?)"

The controller answers the question “ How do we? (we live?)»

The question of purpose is the main one

The most important difference between the Controller in the Heroic Triangle(Hero-Philosopher-Provocateur), from a similar subpersonality in Karpman’s dramatic triangle - is that he changes the vector of attention. The controller in Karpman's triangle monitors the outside world, he always knows how to do it, and is always ready to say what those around him are doing wrong.

The controller in the Heroic Triangle looks after himself– his attention is directed inward. It is impossible to change the world, you can only change yourself - and that’s what he’s working on.

Controller – Inner Father

He turns into an inner manager, an Inner Father, who, instead of making claims and always improving something in the external World, now does it in the internal. Claims - to yourself, improvements - yourself. He is in charge of all issues of keeping promises, punctuality, and respecting boundaries (his own and others). Making plans and following them.

You can't change others, but you can change yourself.

All the Controller's energy moves inward. Instead of finding fault with others and life in general, he makes sure that everything is as good and harmonious as possible. fit into life.

What happens to a person if he has no Controller at all?

If the Controller disappears (or never existed), then this is a person about whom people say “spineless.” He can't achieve his goals- they either don’t appear - the person is so “fallen” into the Philosopher that he accepts All in life as it is. And in this case, he is lying to himself - life is structured in such a way that a person cannot be satisfied with everything, there are definitely areas that need improvement.

If he realizes his needs, he stops lying, he understands that achieving any goal requires effort. And a person must have a subpersonality that is responsible for discipline and compliance with the rules of the game, otherwise there will be no game.

Learned to manage yourself - you know how to manage others

They say about people who can manage themselves: “a person with a strong character”, with good will. But managing others is born precisely as a result of the ability to manage oneself. In fact, the entire external world is a reflection of the internal. If a person has managed to hear all his subpersonalities and come to an agreement with them in such a way as to be holistic, total, he will be able to act effectively in the outside World.

What tasks should be given to the internal Controller?

The Inner Controller must be used by giving him tasks that are useful for the individual. For example:

monitor the tension in the body

develop good habits and give up bad ones

It’s useful, for example, to train yourself to ask yourself 3-4 times a day: “ Who am I? What am I doing now? What do I feel? What am I thinking about? What I want?»

This allows you to always feel state of the Inner Child, help him in time, and don’t forget about your goals either. This increases awareness and leads to a more vibrant and fulfilling life—more happiness in the long run.

be on time

get things done

keep your promises

pay debts

and end... The list can be continued indefinitely, but it should be YOUR list and for a specific period of time or for a specific task.

If a person himself does not do everything necessary for his victory, then there is no point in demanding this from others.

How to stop controlling everything? Only through the realization that it is impossible to achieve the goal (happiness) through controlling the world around us. Life is too huge, we cannot control the weather, the world economy, even our loved ones - husband, wife, child, friends, employees - and even then we cannot!

Only yourself. Only this tool (our body, emotions, consciousness) is always available to us. From now on, our internal Controller - the kind and understanding Inner Father - will remind, advise, even punish... but if we do this for ourselves, then we will not be offended, right? Who knows how to make me feel good? Only me...

Yulia Golovkina

If you have any questions, please ask

If you don’t trust anyone, must be aware of all events and are always sure that you are right - you have problems...

Who is a control freak?

Control freak is an unofficial Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary term that describes a person with a boundless passion for controlling everything around him. At any cost, he must control the situation and achieve what he wants, even if he has to put serious pressure on other people.

They should not be confused with purposeful people who know how to take responsibility. Control freaks do not act with good intentions. They are controlled by fears.

How to recognize a control freak in yourself

Control freaks are not uncommon. We encounter them almost every day, it’s just that for everyone it is expressed in varying degrees. How to understand that you or your loved ones are among them?

Are you sure that everything depends only on you?

You believe that you can influence everything in this world. Without your opinion, not a single decision will be made, the snow will not melt, the birds will not fly south.

Everything must go according to plan and nothing else

You are always making lists and plans, and the slightest deviation from the course is terrifying. A carefully planned trip to the cinema went wrong, the scrambled eggs were slightly burnt? This is nothing short of a disaster.

Your motto: if you want something done well, do it yourself

Delegating tasks and working in a team is not your thing strong point. You are confident that no one else can do better. Be it quarterly report, beef chop or flying a jet.

You don't trust people

Your level of distrust of others reaches its maximum. You doubt the competence of specialists and sometimes even take on tasks that you don’t understand.

You think you know better than others

You do not skimp on advice, because you are sure that you know better. And you defend your opinion to the last, until they listen to it and do it as it should.

You're always right

You must always be right. And just let anyone try to doubt that what you said is the ultimate truth.

You are very critical of other people's mistakes

Since you know everything and are always right, you do not accept the mistakes of others. Moreover, according to your version, you can take control of any situation.

You prepare yourself for a bad outcome and try to prevent it in advance

It’s a good idea to think broadly and think through the possible outcomes of different situations in advance. But focusing on this is bad, especially in cases where it is impossible to influence the circumstances. And you are ready to give up all your strength to find a solution that in reality does not exist.

You must be aware of everything

How can you control a situation without knowing about it? You need to be aware if someone is about to make a life-changing decision without asking.

You are a perfectionist in the last stage

You are always right, you know everything and can cope with any task better than an experienced specialist. Your desire for perfection has reached its limit. And even when it is no longer possible to do better, you are convinced that it is possible. Of course, provided that you do it yourself.

You have a lot of fears

Your biggest fear is that something will not go according to plan. Therefore, you need to keep your finger on the pulse and protect yourself from unforeseen situations at any time. Unfortunately, force majeure circumstances have not been canceled.

Where does obsessive mania come from?

The obsessive desire to always control the situation is evidence of a certain internal imbalance. As a rule, the reason for this behavior may be increased anxiety and the desire for power.

Control freaks are afraid of everything that violates their usual way of life and does not fit into their world. Their actions are a defensive reaction and an attempt to protect themselves from unnecessary shocks.

As a consequence of the desire for power, total control manifests itself in a person’s acute desire to not only be aware of the events happening to him and his loved ones, but also to take direct part in them.

Most often, all problems come from childhood. It happens that a child was controlled too much, and when he grew up, he began to transfer this same control to others.

Sergey Kuzin, business coach, candidate of psychological sciences

It turns out that sometimes we ourselves contribute to the emergence of control freaks. Excessive parental care in childhood leaves a mark and can have a significant impact on a person’s behavior pattern in the future.

Why is this bad

In everyday life

In addition to the fact that you annoy those around you with constant pressure, first of all you torture yourself. A lot of energy is spent on solving non-existent problems, worrying about little things and trying to influence situations beyond your control. If you do not get the desired result, then you are experiencing an internal tragedy. Even if it’s because they didn’t put a second piece of sugar in your coffee. These experiences significantly reduce your quality of life, when you could be directing your energy in another direction.

In a relationship

You won't like it if your every breath is controlled. Trust is the foundation of strong, long-lasting relationships, but for a control freak, it's a touchy subject. It is logical that the desire to be aware of all the actions of the partner, constantly checking messages on the phone and intrusive questions will not bring joy to any of the participants in the relationship.

Sitting late late finishing reports, communicating with clients, while doing routine work, when there is an entire department sitting idle is a little strange. Instead of fulfilling your direct responsibilities, you take on tasks for which your colleagues are responsible. And not because they decided to help, but because of uncertainty about their competence. Even if you are a specialist with a capital letter, you are unlikely to be the first candidate for promotion. After all, you don’t know how to delegate, and, apparently, you think that you are working with fools, since you do everything for them.

How to deal with it

If you begin to notice such behavior patterns in yourself, I recommend spending a “totally crazy day” to decompress. Take a different route to work, have breakfast in an unusual place, that is, change your usual way of life a little.

Oleg Ivanov, psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Resolution of Social Conflicts.

The expert explains that it is important to understand: nothing critical will happen if you are a little late for work, eat a piece of cake for lunch instead of soup, or take a walk in the evening instead of a planned trip to the store.

Exhale a little, loosen your grip and please yourself with a spontaneous decision. The main thing is to realize the fact that there is a problem and give yourself relief so as not to bring the situation to a critical limit.

Since the problem also lies in mistrust, first of all you need to deal with it. I recommend reading the work of Stephen Covey Jr. "The speed of trust." This book clearly explains that by trusting yourself, others and the situation, life becomes 10% easier and more interesting.

By overcoming mistrust, you will solve at least one problem. And if mistrust is the root of other, even bigger problems, then you will kill several birds with one stone.

What to do for loved ones

If someone from your environment turns out to be a control freak, you need to learn to say calmly but clearly: “No, thank you.” Or even better, more gently: “Thank you for your concern, but I will do as I see fit.”

Oleg Ivanov, psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Resolution of Social Conflicts.

Sometimes it can be difficult to point out flaws in people close to you, but with control freaks it is necessary. You need to act delicately, but at the same time confidently, in order to draw a clear boundary in your relationship.

It is important to find suitable phrases for a specific person and discuss with him the points that do not suit you. For some, it’s enough to hear: “Okay, everything will be your way.” This immediately relieves tension and allows you to seek compromise in a calm environment.

Sergey Kuzin, business coach, candidate of psychological sciences

The expert advises to immediately determine what type of control freak you are: dependent, paranoid or narcissist, and what exactly his desire is. Obviously, the narcissist will want to hear that he is the best, and it is important for the paranoid to know that everything will be fine. Don't be afraid to discuss the problem, try to find an approach to your control freak. Even if you don't succeed the first time, don't give up. This is better than silently accumulating grievances.