Not long ago we all celebrated the New Year. This holiday is rightly considered a family holiday. In this regard, it is appropriate to talk about family traditions. Surely many families prepared in their own way for the New Year celebration. Some people are used to celebrating it with friends, others with their families. In any case, every family has its own traditions and customs that relate not only to New Year’s celebrations.
Traditions can be not only the way of life and habits of the inhabitants of the house, but also the daily routine. For example, in one family it is customary to have a quick snack alone, while in other families it is customary to eat food gathered around the same table.
Most of us were raised in families where certain rituals were considered important. It is correct if in the family where you are the parents, these rituals were introduced by you and became components of your family life. You can come up with new rituals that will help strengthen the family and diversify life.
This may be what you were missing in your “childhood” life. If you've ever wanted to go out of town on the weekends, but it hasn't become a tradition in your family, then make it a weekly event in your family.
A child who is encouraged to participate in family traditions will grow up to value family and family relationships more highly.
Traditions are what children will later carry into adulthood and into their families.
Traditions and rituals also allow both children and us adults to feel the stability of the family’s way of life under any circumstances, to calmly and joyfully do what is customary in the family. In addition, this is what we remember when we become adults and tell our children. This gives you pride in yourself and your family. Traditions and rituals may be ordinary (for example, going to bed), but they are what make a family special and unusual. What are these rituals?
Start small. For example, read a book to your child at night or pat your child on the head. You can sing songs to your child or with him. Even if your child is too young to understand the details, just the sound of your voice will be soothing and reassuring. It is also very useful for spouses to read to each other before bed. This brings people together and broadens their horizons. For example, first we read what the spouse likes, and then what is close to the spouse. You can choose books together, you can read in turns.
Or you can even write your own fairy tales. It doesn't take much time, and this way you can teach your child what you think is good. For example, if your child is afraid of the dark, tell him how one boy dealt with his fear with the help of a magic lantern, and place the lantern near your child.
Imagine the situation: your child turns 18 and you give him a collection of fairy tales you wrote. How much surprise and joy there will be!
Spending weekends together is of great importance for families.
Have a family day out. Let this be a day of implementing joint plans and spending time together. Call this day your family's day!
It’s great if on this day the whole family gathers at one table.
The main thing is that this does not become a banal eating of delicacies, but is remembered by the taste of the dishes, interesting stories, and the smiles of family members.
Or you can go for a walk or play sports (skating, skiing) together on this day.
In the evenings, it is useful to gather at a common table over tea and discuss the events of the day, share impressions, make plans for the future, and consult. This is also allowed for children.
There is great scope for creating family traditions in the kitchen and culinary talents of one of the family members.
Or you can declare a day off as a sanitary day, carry out a general cleaning in the apartment, and involve all household members (clean the carpets on the street), or make some day a psychological release (on such a day, for example, it is not allowed to express complaints to each other, dissatisfaction, take offense).
Just don’t take up your family’s entire day with cleaning the apartment or doing household chores. Let both be in moderation so that your family’s day does not become a continuation of the work week, but allows all family members to be around and do something that brings benefit and pleasure.
Doing some kind of creative work can also become a tradition. For example, by collecting something, but it does not necessarily have to be something expensive. This could be collecting refrigerator magnets, Christmas tree decorations, and miniature cars.
In addition to the above, you can come up with rituals that block failure, obstacles, fatigue or loss of strength. Those that will help you support yourself and your loved ones, psychologically treat and restore.
In addition to traditions, in the life of every person there are important single and episodic events that can be discussed and especially celebrated, such as baptism, a child entering first grade, birthdays...
We don't always give importance to our hobbies, but you will agree that it is extremely useful. Joint activities and hobbies unite all family members. Common activities, like nothing else, strengthen family relationships. They make us closer, we communicate with each other more and, as a result, understand each other better.
Be happy!
Yulia Novgorodova
http://www.redstar.ru/index.php/siriya/item/13901-semejnye-traditsii-i-ritualy
Children are big conservatives. They easily introduce traditions and rituals into life. The confidence that the morning will begin with a kiss from mom, and that dad will read an evening story, helps the child navigate this “incomprehensible” life. Everything new is met with caution at first. It is important for parents to remember this in order to raise a healthy person who can appreciate traditions. The baby carefully keeps little “secrets”: his mother’s air kiss in front of the doors of the kindergarten, the duty candy in his pocket that appears from nowhere every morning. The day will be normal. Rituals can be favorite, uninteresting, obligatory. The child is ready to put up with this. Lack of order in life dooms the child to nervous breakdowns, whims, and riots. This is his defensive reaction to the unknown.
Sometimes traditions and rituals themselves are established in the family, then the child naturally fits into the general rules. This could be Sunday lunches at grandma's or a Saturday family trip to the park. The baby waits all week for the weekend, tries to behave well in kindergarten, learns new things: it’s nice to receive praise from his beloved grandmother.
A certain system of child behavior is formed by parents intentionally. This includes following a daily routine, eating, and washing your hands before eating. Even changing into pajamas before bed can help you fall asleep easier if it's become a ritual.
Adults know that the child needs to rest, so they send him to bed no later than ten in the evening. It’s good if this ritual is observed consistently, then the very mention of sleep time creates a calm, peaceful mood. A child should not be allowed to break the rules for good behavior. In this case, going to bed will be perceived as a punishment. A sleep-deprived baby will be easily excitable, capricious in the morning, and will not be able to concentrate in classes.
In addition to the health benefits and receptivity to knowledge, there are rituals that are no less important for raising children.
Part 1
Instills confidence
The child loves to live in a predictable world. When you wake up, you know that your favorite pancakes will be for breakfast. When leaving school he will be greeted by his mother's smile. Dad will return from work at six o'clock in the evening. At eight o'clock in the evening cartoons will be shown on TV.
When there are no strict rules in the family, and life is built on surprises, the child tries to gain support by introducing his own rituals. Over time, they can turn into obsessive habits. Example? Drink only from his own mug, make a scandal because his favorite shirt is in the wash, but he will never wear a new one.
Develop smart habits
The daily ritual of morning water procedures should become without alternative. Also, washing your hands before eating, after visiting the toilet, after a walk. Brushing your teeth morning and evening.
Even if you are late, you should not allow your child to cancel these procedures. Just one indulgence, and in the future, without adult supervision, rest assured, no one will do anything.
If a dad gives up his seat to a woman or older people in public transport and teaches his son this, this habit of a well-mannered person will become automatic for him, and not forced.
There should be rules in the family that everyone follows: do not drink milk or juice from the carton, do not grab pieces before dinner, do not start eating until everyone in the household has sat down, and much more. It all starts with family.
Painless adaptation to new life stages
Entering kindergarten, school, or moving are accompanied by stress for a child. You can come up with small rituals that will create positive emotions.
For example, on the way to kindergarten, go to a cafe and drink a milkshake. On the bus, you are allowed to pay for the trip yourself. In the evening, the child can see off the day by crossing out the date on the calendar.
Cultivate patience
Five working days should be perceived by a child as workdays. Looking forward to the weekend, which will include a long-awaited trip to the zoo or a family lunch at a cafe, helps you to be more collected throughout the week.
Small victories and new knowledge are dedicated to future weekends. The anticipation of rest helps you become patient and easier to cope with temporary setbacks and difficulties in adult life.
The child must understand that through his own work and good behavior he creates for himself a joyful, well-deserved rest. Daily entertainment loses its relevance over time and is perceived with boredom.
Traditions for life
Every adult has pleasant memories dating back to childhood. They are often associated with family traditions.
Prepare gifts for March 8 together with dad for mom and grandma. Decorate the Christmas tree for the New Year with the whole family. Celebrate the annual holiday of the dacha, celebrated only by you. Even the recipe for great-grandmother’s pies is carefully passed down from elders to younger ones.
These are bonds given by parents to a future young family.
Organized and collected
Often in families you can see a wide variety of graphs, tables, and colorful calendars on the walls. Such visual agitation helps the child get used to performing the necessary actions. For example, the cheerful chain of steps reflected in the picture will not allow the baby to forget the order of the morning toilet.
Just by looking at a themed homemade clock, a child will remember the time to do homework or the need to wash the dishes.
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In the hallway it is useful to hang a bright list of what should be in the student's portfolio. Looking at it, the child will check if he has forgotten anything.
It can become a tradition to mark birthdays and holidays on the calendar as a new month begins. The baby will be able to prepare for them ahead of time.
Rituals are not dogma
There are no rules that are never broken. On vacation, in nature, in special situations, the performance of some rituals is stopped. This is right. Rituals and traditions should organically enter into the lives of children. Their unconditional implementation borders on fanaticism.
These rare deviations only attract the baby to the usual rules, as guarantors of stability and calm.
Part 2
Children are most often lovers of consistency. It is stability that gives them confidence. They are calm if they know exactly what will happen and how. It's wonderful when in such a diverse, slightly scary and changing world there is something that always remains constant. This has a calming effect and allows you to maintain a normal psycho-emotional state. The constant becomes a kind of base, a reference point from which you can build on and continue moving forward and developing. It is interesting that it is the changing life of a child, the transition to another environment, a team, that further increases the value of something that remains constant. After all, the children have to go to kindergarten, and then to school. Everything is connected with stress and drastic changes. In this regard, the importance of children's rituals is very great. They are the ones who instill confidence in a child and bring stability and predictability into his life.
Most often, the unknown becomes the cause of worry. Adults also strive to create a certain illusion of stability, since surviving in an ever-changing and unreliable world is not easy. Surrounding people and events put pressure on the psyche and consciousness of a person, constant transformations injure the nervous system. As a result, a person experiences psychological discomfort and is constantly in a state of stress. Adults create various substitutes for stability, its external manifestations: contracts, obligations with guarantees, insurance.
Children are not yet able to support themselves with such official papers that replace stability. But small members of society have their own rituals that help them adapt and exist normally. Here are some children's rituals:
- Some kids can calmly part with their mothers when they find themselves in kindergarten only after they wave their hand through the window;
- Many children like to ask to read one story before bed;
- Often, babies fall asleep easier if they prepare for bed in a given order, performing familiar actions;
- Almost every child has a favorite toy, a kind of totem, which always lies with him in the crib;
- Some people come up with their own ways of saying goodbye and saying hello when meeting.
Let's give specific examples from the lives of children!
Children's rituals: real examples
Rituals are closely related to the concept of rhythm and daily routine. Many arise spontaneously, while others are intentionally established by parents. They may be different, but they have one thing in common - they help make our day useful, effective and enjoyable.
Watching the program “Good Night, Babies!”, brushing your teeth, taking a bath, reading your favorite book, singing a lullaby, changing into familiar pajamas, drinking milk or water, falling asleep with a pacifier, putting toys to bed, saying goodnight are all examples of children's rituals before sleep.
According to the famous doctor Komarovsky, from the beginning of performing these rituals, “the work of the nervous system, breathing, and blood circulation begins to change, and literally 15-20 minutes are enough for it to work and the child to fall asleep.”
It is interesting to consider specific rituals for children that have become traditional in families:
- When Dima said goodbye to his mother in kindergarten, she showed him a funny monkey face through the window. And the baby laughed joyfully every time. As a result, not only Dima himself, but also all the other guys from the group saw off his mother and their parents with smiles. And the fact that they stay in the kindergarten has already been associated with something kind, good, and cheerful. This makes it easier to say goodbye!
- Nikita and her dad shook hands and then touched fists. Then both had only to show their thumb and say: “Everything will be like this!”
- Sit on mom’s lap, kiss her on the cheek goodbye, hug her, say “Don’t forget!” and finally, wave your hand through the window - children often use such rituals while staying in kindergarten
- Maxim is used to his mother kissing him on the cheeks every day, wishing him a good day and declaring her love.
- As a child, when my grandmother brought me to kindergarten, she always said goodbye to me: “be a good girl.” I diligently fulfilled this wish-instruction, but one day the children from kindergarten and I did something and then, remembering that my grandmother forgot to remind me of good behavior, I told her when we met - you didn’t tell me “be a good girl!!” ! So I wasn’t...
- Drink water twice before going to bed; return from the elevator to the door to kiss mom in the morning on the way to the garden; press the elevator button yourself; watch cartoons before evening exercises and so on and so forth.
- We have a ritual story before bed, a fairy tale about Little Red Riding Hood, and then there may be other fairy tales, but the story about the little cap is sacred... Well, look at the sleepovers, then wash yourself, this is also always the case, this is already a ritual of going to bed, it has always been like this.
- We have our own cups. Just try pouring it into another!
- Now we basically only have bedtime rituals (he’s a big boy now), we need to check if the closet is closed, if there are any gaps between the curtains, kiss mom “everywhere” (forehead-nose-both cheeks-chin-neck) then exchange dreams and wishing good night and pleasant dreams after turning off the lights and closing the door to his room, be sure to shout “I love you”
- My children only have a farewell ritual in kindergarten. With our sons, we definitely have to blow each other a kiss and catch it, and with our daughters it’s generally fun, a whole sequence of kisses. First she told me: cheek-nose-cheek-forehead, and then I waved her hand.
- A curious tradition has developed in Lyosha’s family. When he was in kindergarten for the first time and didn’t want to leave his mother, she decided to distract him by reading the menu. The woman began to retell the menu in detail and comment on different dishes. The next day the boy himself asked his mother to read the menu. The child subconsciously feared that his mother would not return for him. And after reading the menu, she came for him. The boy decided that his mother would come back for him in the evening if she read the menu now, like yesterday. This is how the ritual developed. Lyosha no longer wanted to let mommy go until she read the menu. This tradition protected him from the fear of staying in kindergarten forever.
I made these observations and became interested in rituals. We have established many rituals in the kindergarten, reinforcing with them all the routine moments.
Before the start of dinner, everyone wished them a bon appetit in unison, and then threw their hands up. The children said together that they would eat and grow "like this".
When the children came to kindergarten from a walk, they had to count their shoulder blades. After all, we need to find out whether the shovels were lost, whether everything was collected.
Before bed, I cast a spell for each child to have good dreams. It was enough to hold your hands over the child’s head and say "magic spell", and then gently blow into the forehead so that the child falls asleep peacefully. After all, he already believed in the magical power of ritual! So I fell asleep with pleasure.
Thus, it was with the help of all sorts of rituals that a special comfortable environment was created in the kindergarten group, and the kids, noticeably / collectively, in an unusual environment, got used to new tasks, responsibilities and lifestyles.
Do you want your child to always feel good and have a stable psychological state? Then start creating your own rituals! They play a huge role in the baby’s life: they help program his consciousness, calm his nervous system, and support him in any situation. Then, when your baby grows up, he will remember his childhood rituals with tenderness.
Please note that the rituals already adopted must be carefully followed. I know of many cases where children fell into real panic if the rituals were violated. For example, if a child has forgotten his favorite toy, which constantly accompanies him in kindergarten, he must return home for it. When a girl is used to falling asleep in kindergarten exclusively in blue pajamas, there is no need to bring her another one. This will cause stress. When dad accidentally forgot to wave to his son through the window, the baby was terribly surprised and upset. Remember this! Performing children's rituals carefully and constantly is extremely important. Don't think this is a whim. It is precisely these family traditions that help maintain a good emotional state for children.
I remember my childhood ritual, thanks to which I was not afraid to fall asleep. Before this, I was always afraid that after sleeping, when I woke up, I would find myself in a different place. After all, unknown monsters can steal me while I sleep, I thought. The fear of night monsters held me down and prevented me from falling asleep. But these monsters were afraid of my toy dog. Trezor bravely protected me from monsters every night, and in the morning I always kissed his nose in gratitude.
Children's rituals sometimes receive an unexpected continuation when the kids grow up. I turned 17 years old, I had to go to a foreign city to start studying at the institute. And now I’m already on the threshold, and in my hands is a bag with a ticket. My mom was worried about how I would settle into a new place, alone, a very young girl. Suddenly, mom ran to the nursery and returned with the same Trezor. She said that I forgot my favorite stuffed dog. I decided to leave it on purpose, considering myself an adult. But now the toy was already becoming a guarantee of mother’s peace of mind. And the mother began to worry less when her now adult daughter went to college with a stuffed dog in her bag. The children's ritual helped her restore emotional balance. And Trezor again became my talisman! Before the exams, I kissed his nose again.
Psychologists unanimously claim that with the help of ordered behavior, a child understands the structure of the world, this is how the boundaries of behavior are established and self-awareness comes. In addition, children's rituals make the child more confident. After all, strict adherence to certain actions always leads to a predictable and known result.
Think, maybe you too will remember your rituals.
Dr. Komarovsky explains why and exactly what rituals should be performed with your child before bed:
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Rationale
Family ritual is a technique designed to change the rules of the existing family game by changing the structure of the family and sustainable ways of interacting in it. The version of the technique described below was developed by the Milan School of Family Therapy (Selvini Palazzoli, Boscolo, Cecchin, Prata, 1977, 1978) and is usually used within the framework of strategic family therapy. Other psychologists use variations of this technique.
Social ritual is a system of actions jointly developed by group members, in which all types of behavior are defined in their strict sequence. From the point of view of social psychology, rituals are the main source of group cohesion and intragroup connections. They serve to regulate the functioning of the group and ensure that everyone’s behavior is coordinated to achieve a common goal. Funerals and mourning ceremonies, birthdays, weddings, or celebrations of special events for a given group are all examples of powerful cultural or family rituals. Repetitive symptomatic patterns of interaction also usually function as ritual forms of behavior.
The family ritual technique is also essentially a kind of ritual created by the therapist and prescribed to the family without any explanation in the expectation that the required behavior will be carried out by family members by analogy. Particular attention is paid to the specific actions prescribed, including timing, sequence, location details, and who should perform the required action and how. It is usually quite difficult for a psychotherapist to come up with a suitable ritual to introduce into the family system that would replace the existing dysfunctional ritual. First, she needs to thoroughly understand the functioning of the family system.
It is assumed that the symptoms exhibited relate to those myths of a given dysfunctional family that are vital to its preservation. If the survival of the family is threatened, strict rituals are created to maintain a myth that would contribute to the preservation of the family. Therefore, the therapist is forced to examine the family system over several generations to identify the family myth and the meaning of symptomatic behavior in its context. Once this is done, you can begin to develop a new family ritual to change the existing system by introducing new collective norms. If the family agrees to act in accordance with the prescribed ritual, it accepts the new norms, thus changing the functioning of its family system.
Procedure
By establishing a trusting relationship with the family, the therapist carefully monitors those specific interactions that need correction, as well as family dynamics, rules, myths, and how the symptom serves the system. A ritual can then be developed that takes into account the needs of that family. The intention of the ritual should be specific to a given family, take into account its specific cultural and historical situation and depend on the following parameters - how long it will be used (once or repeated at certain intervals), when exactly, which family members will participate in the process what environmental factors should be involved (for example, whether doors should be locked and phones should be turned off), what topics will be discussed, and what to do if one of the participants chooses to remain silent. Therapeutic goals for which family ritual can be used may include defining intrafamily boundaries, increasing the independence of family members, adjusting communication patterns, and strengthening intragenerational alliances.
The therapist stresses the importance for the family to be true to their original myth and obtains firm assurance from them that they will faithfully follow the prescription he is about to give them. The order is then explained in detail and can also be submitted in writing for each family member. Part of the ritual may be the reading of a prescription by one family member to everyone else at a certain place and at a certain time. By including the requirement of adherence to the original family myth, the ritual has a paradoxical effect. In terms of its content, the ritual can be very simple: “John will worry every evening from seven to eight o’clock in his room and no one has the right to disturb him in this. He must worry at this time about the well-being of the family and about his own well-being. He must also try to carefully describe everything he thinks about, without showing his notes to anyone." The purpose here is to make John's role as family protector explicit and free other family members from this activity, rather than reinforcing it, as the injunction might directly imply.
As an example, Palazzoli (1978, pp. 445-453) describes a family with a 15-year-old daughter,/??????????? anorexia nervosa?????????????????? - long and thin??? / who was 5 feet 9 inches tall and weighed 70 pounds. Her behavior was psychotic and she was very jealous of the beauty of her cousin, who was her rival. The other daughter was 22 years old, in college, and emotionally distant from her younger sister. Mother was too involved in taking care of all her many relatives. The father, like the rest of the family, in all difficult situations adhered to the universal family motto “one for all and all for one.” Any negative feelings in this family - anger, criticism and competition - were thus prohibited and suppressed. The person who showed anger was forced by the family to humble himself. After the youngest daughter tried to commit suicide, the family was prescribed such a ritual./???? The context is unclear - it’s probably necessary to go to the original source??????/
Every evening after dinner the front door was locked. Four members of a nuclear family would gather around the dining table, from which all items would be cleared except the alarm clock in the middle. Each family member, starting with the eldest, received 15 minutes for a message in which he expressed his feelings, impressions and comments about the behavior of other members of the entire clan. Those who had nothing to say or those who did not want to say anything were silent for the entire 15 minutes allotted for them, while the rest of the family had to remain silent, attentive and accepting. Moreover, it was absolutely forbidden to continue these discussions in any form at another time. All such discussions were reduced to scheduled evening meetings, and as for day-to-day interactions with the entire clan, family members were instructed to be especially polite and attentive to them, it was necessary to emphasize that they were always ready to help all their relatives.
Selvini Palazolli and colleagues described the therapeutic goals in this case as follows:
1. Define the nuclear family as a unit distinct from the clan in which the prohibition of negative speech is replaced by the obligation to speak clearly about taboo topics in secrecy with other clan members (a locked door).
2. Return Nora/???-not mentioned earlier/ to the position of a full member of the nuclear family.
3. Contribute to the revival of the intragenerational alliance between the two sisters.
4. Establish the right of each family member to express their feelings without being rejected or deprived of their rights.
5. Cause every withdrawn family member to feel anxious about remaining silent on acute family problems.
6. Prevent, by prohibiting such discussions outside of evening meetings, the formation of secret coalitions.
Over the course of two weeks, when each member of the nuclear family was able to freely express their understanding and complaints about other members of the clan, the family changed greatly. The rule that “anyone who speaks ill of his family is bad himself” was eliminated, which led to the abandonment of the old family myth and to rapid changes in the family. Overemphasizing the importance of hyper-loyalty to the clan had, in fact, the paradoxical effect of protesting against this motto.
Usage
The family ritual technique illuminates existing family patterns and family myths in a very dramatic way, presenting them to all family members. She paradoxically uses the rigid aspects of the family structure to bring about positive changes in it. It promotes the emergence of new constructive patterns of behavior and behavioral norms as substitutes for dysfunctional patterns. Ritual functions at the level of metacommunication and analogy and therefore causes less resistance than a direct interpretation of a symptom might cause. Using this technique, the psychotherapist, following the family (and not opposing it!), gradually changes the quality of intrafamily relationships. The technique is especially effective in working with rigid families that function like a “tangled ball”, as well as with families in which one of the members is a carrier of mental pathology.
Rituals may also be insistently prescribed to families with a lack of internal organization. In this case, the goal is to provide the family with structure and common forms of verbal behavior that could promote intrafamily cohesion. An example is the establishment of a fixed time for a common family dinner, during which it is not permissible to discuss acute family problems, criticize, complain, etc. The family should discuss the current day's events, politics, dreams of family members, what they are currently reading or thinking about over dinner. They can also play word games, tell each other stories - this should be an enjoyable time of relaxation. Another example is the injunction to make a list of the birthdays of family members and prepare each such day in advance. The development of new customs and traditions is especially important for newly created families with adopted children.
Other news on the topic:
Family as a small group for many years has been the object of research in social and general psychology (G. M. Andreeva, V. V. Abramenkova, V. N. Druzhinin, A. V. Petrovsky, L. A. Petrovskaya, V. V. Stolin, A. V. Chernikov and others). The idea of the family as an integral system underlies the study of family cohesion (M. Bowen, K. Whitaker, A. Ya. Varga, etc.). D. Olson identified levels of cohesion and introduced the concept of a balanced level of family cohesion. When the concept of “social situation of development” entered psychology (L. S. Vygotsky, D. B. Elkonin) and when an ecological approach to the study of a child’s mental development was formed (U. Bronfenbrener), the family also became an object of study in clinical, developmental and pedagogical psychology (O. A. Karabanova, A. S. Spivakovskaya, E. G. Eidimiller, V. Yustitskis, etc.).
Modern psychology has accumulated a large amount of research on the problems of family development, family dysfunction, child-parent relationships, etc. At the same time, researchers note that in conditions of social instability, most people experience an urgent need to belong to more stable communities, among whose first place belongs to the family.
A person is included in the parental family by birth and is identified with its members in the process of upbringing and assimilation of family traditions. The stable functioning of a married family needs to be supported by means that enhance its cohesion. Rituals as newly created and significant forms of interaction for all family members can become psychological means of maintaining intrafamily relationships.
Psychological remedy in the cultural-historical theory of L. S. Vygotsky, it is an artificial formation, social in nature and aimed at mastering the processes of behavior - someone else’s or one’s own, just as technology is aimed at mastering the processes of nature. L. S. Vygotsky wrote in 1930 that man created not only tools with the help of which he subjugated the forces of nature to his power. He created incentives that stimulate and regulate his own behavior, subordinating his own forces to his power.
Man, he wrote, “subordinating the process of his own reaction to his power, thereby enters into a fundamentally new relationship with the external environment, comes to a new functional use of elements of the external environment as stimulus-signs, with the help of which he, relying on external means, directs and regulates his own behavior, takes control of himself from the outside, forcing stimulus-signs to influence him and cause reactions that are desirable for him” (Vygotsky L.S., 1930/1984, p. 86).
This is what makes a person free. According to Vygotsky, freedom is characteristic of a person of culture; the development of freedom of action is in direct functional dependence on the use of signs. In the studies of Vygotsky and his followers, language, various forms of numbering, mnemonic devices, works of art, diagrams, diagrams, maps, drawings, and all kinds of conventional signs are used as psychological tools. In our opinion, rituals can also be considered one of the types of psychological tools, since they, performing the function of mediation, play an important role in interpersonal relationships, similar to signs and technical means in the process of formation of the HMF.
However, using the concept "ritual", its content should be identified and distinguished from terms that are similar in meaning. Thus, according to generally accepted views, traditions are historically established forms of activity and behavior passed on from generation to generation. Rituals are traditional actions that accompany important moments in human life and activity (initiation rites, marriage rites, agricultural, calendar, etc.). Customs are a stereotypical way of behavior that is perceived in a certain society or social group as familiar to members of this group (the custom of villagers going to bed early). A habit is an established way of behavior, the implementation of which in a certain situation acquires the character of a need for an individual (to brush teeth).
In contrast to the listed terms, rituals are a concept introduced into developmental psychology by E. Erikson (1966). According to his theory, rituals are repeated actions that have meaning for all participants in the interaction. Rituals are formalized, stereotyped, individualized forms of interaction between people; their meaning does not act as an object of reflection by the participants in the interaction. In accordance with the law of bipolarity, according to E. Erikson, there are rituals and ritualisms. The following distinctive features characterize authentic rituals:
- their general meaning for all participants in the interaction, while maintaining differences between individuals;
- development through stages of the life cycle, during which the achievements of previous stages at later stages acquire symbolic meaning;
- the playful nature of the ritual, i.e. the ability to maintain novelty during repeated repetitions.
Genuine rituals play a special role in identifying the individual with the collective. They contribute to group cohesion. In contrast, ritualisms are repeated actions from which the spiritual content has been emasculated (disappeared); they are dysfunctional in nature.
E. Erikson saw the ability to ritualize interpersonal relationships as an opportunity to create a new lifestyle that could lead to overcoming aggressiveness and ambivalence in human relationships.
In the pedagogical system of A. S. Makarenko (1951), rituals and traditions are given a special role in identifying the individual with the team and its unity. An example is the ritual of admission to the colony, accompanied by the ceremonial burning of the rags of new arrivals; issuance of uniforms; strict observance of the honor of the banner; special terminology, etc. Thus, in practice, which was far ahead of theory, it was shown that genuine rituals contribute to the normative regulation of the functioning of the group, coordinating the behavior of everyone to achieve a common goal.
Family rituals were the subject of study at the Milan School of Systemic Family Psychotherapy (M. Selvini Palazzoli, L. Boscolo, D. Cecchin, D. Prata, etc.). The following types of family rituals were identified here:
- rituals of everyday life (eating, going to bed, meeting, saying goodbye);
- rituals of the family calendar (birthdays, anniversaries);
- rituals for celebrating events marked in the “external” calendar (Christmas, New Year);
- rituals of life cycles (wedding, birth of a child, death).
In accordance with the time characteristics, types of family rituals are also presented. These are minimized rituals associated with unpleasant experiences for family members:
- the husband drinks - the wife and children avoid joint holidays with other families;
- interrupted rituals associated with moving, divorce, war, death of a loved one;
- rigid rituals, which are characterized by actions performed automatically; in such families there is little fun and playfulness;
- obligatory rituals, characterized by tension for people who do not expect it, but cannot change anything (religious rituals for atheists);
- flexible rituals that change over time (the child becomes a teenager and the bedtime ritual changes).
Family rituals can act as psychological tools or means in forming cohesion within family relationships.
Cohesion as an integral characteristic of a family includes a certain degree of emotional closeness or attachment of family members to each other, as well as the formation of family identity, the cognitive aspect of which is the image of “We”, and the affective aspect is the feeling of “We”. D. Olson's research identifies four levels of family cohesion.
- Disconnected type of family - family members experience almost no affection for each other and demonstrate inconsistent behavior.
- Divided family type - family members are able to get together, discuss problems, provide support to each other, and make joint decisions, despite the fact that their relationships are characterized by some emotional separation.
- Entangled family type - there are extremes in the demand for emotional closeness and loyalty, individual family members cannot act independently of each other.
- Joint family type - characterized by emotional closeness and loyalty in relationships. Family members often spend time together; this time is more important to them than time devoted to individual interests.
D. Olson believes that separate and joint family types are balanced and ensure optimal family functioning. Families with a divided and confused type of cohesion are problematic.
In M. Bowen's concept, an inadequately cohesive family is characterized by extreme closeness of family members, alternating with periods of mutual alienation, emotional dependence of family members on each other, and rigidity of relationships between them.
According to our assumption, family rituals can be the tool (a psychological tool, according to Vygotsky) that will help change stable but dysfunctional ways of interaction in the family. Analysis of literary sources revealing the features of a harmonious and dysfunctional family (M. Bowen, V. N. Druzhinin, K. Whitaker, V. Satir, A. S. Spivakovskaya, etc.) allows us to specify the concepts of functional and dysfunctional ritual in the family.
Functional rituals represent norms (patterns, methods) of constructive interaction between family members, based on agreement between them and renewed at certain intervals in recurring circumstances. They may include specific actions in their role and time sequence. Functional rituals are flexible and meet the individual needs of family members and are acceptable to them. Functional rituals help maintain family cohesion at a balanced level.
Dysfunctional rituals represent methods of unconstructive behavior that are periodically repeated in the family. They perpetuate ineffective relationships between family members and do not meet the needs of personal growth. Dysfunctional rituals are rigid and contribute to maintaining an overestimated or underestimated level of family cohesion.
Our empirical study surveyed two groups of adults about the rituals that take place in the parental and marital families. Group A– students of Arzamas State Pedagogical University living in their parental family (195 people).
Group B– people from 25 to 45 years old with a family and children (62 people). This group includes four subgroups:
- married people;
- people who are divorced;
- single mothers;
- widows/widowers.
The survey identified family rituals in the parental and married families, their role in family life, and motivation for preserving the rituals of the parental family in the future married family. Descriptions of 672 family rituals were obtained. Despite the interested attitude of respondents to the survey, difficulties were discovered in isolating rituals from everyday life. As a rule, survey participants did not think about the meaning of family rituals. The survey helped them take a fresh look at this phenomenon and evaluate its significance in family life. Note that for our respondents the word “ritual” has a narrower, everyday meaning, and in order to identify recurring events that are significant for all family members, during the conversation we used the phrase “traditional events.”
In Fig. Figure 1 shows the frequency of mentioned family rituals in group A.
Here are examples of family rituals of respondents from group A:
“We take communion in church before the new school year”, “On November 27 we celebrate the patronal feast of our village”, “Every spring dad goes fishing on the Volga. After his arrival, on the very first day we organize a fish feast - we fry the fish and put it on the table right in the frying pan. We cook fish soup and eat it with wooden spoons”, “On Victory Day we go to the cemetery to visit the grave of our grandfather, a participant in the Second World War”, “Only dad cuts the bread in the family - he is the head of the family”, “Family Day - parents’ wedding day”, “Photos as a souvenir on his birthday”, “For every holiday, my father prepares his signature roast”, “We celebrate grandfather’s second birth - recovery after being seriously wounded during the war”, “We have a traditional Sunday dish”, “We are thinking about buying a new thing”, “ Every evening dad comes home from work and brings a chocolate bar, and we drink tea together,” “Soulful songs at the table, in nature,” “On September 1, we definitely buy a cake.”
Respondents associate family rituals, first of all, with family cohesion, the formation of a positive emotional background, and psychological comfort. Assessing the role of rituals in family life, respondents said:
“Thanks to traditions, the family will become more united”, “They make us kinder to each other”, “They increase joy, the ability to give pleasure to our relatives”, “They provide the opportunity to meet all relatives, many of whom live in different cities.”
In Fig. Figure 2 presents the assessment of the function of family rituals by respondents of group A.
Analysis of the responses of people who have or had a married family (group B) made it possible to show that the repertoire of family rituals differs depending on the type of family. Respondents from two-parent families most often name, emotionally and describe in detail various rituals associated with family life, with generally accepted and family holidays:
“The husband is the owner of the garage, cellar, hallway in the house: he cleans shoes, outerwear, puts away out-of-season shoes”, “For the New Year we all decorate the Christmas tree together, invite Santa Claus, put gifts under the tree”, “We celebrate the wedding day every year - we give gifts for each other, we organize a candlelit dinner”, “We try to spend the weekend with the family, even better - in nature”, “We play cards”, “On Friday the whole family goes to the bathhouse, drinks beer and fish”, “The whole family always has dinner together”, “Every evening we try to arrange a small celebration. We buy goodies, drink tea, discuss the past day (only in the evening we have an hour or two that we spend together).”
Respondents from single-parent families most often name rituals associated with organizing family life and family holidays: “We bake a cake for a birthday, get together in the evening,” “The daughter feeds the rat and cleans its cage, and the son takes care of the cat” (Fig. 4) .
Single mothers indicate only rituals associated with celebrating family holidays, generally accepted holidays and joint recreation: “It’s good to welcome guests”, “We’re celebrating our daughter’s birthday with her friends, preparing an entertainment program”(Fig. 5).
In the families of a widow (widower), there are rituals associated with organizing family life and celebrating family events: “Each family member cleans up after himself: washes the dishes, makes the bed,” “We always celebrate our summer birthdays in nature, by the water” (Fig. 6).
Based on the statements of respondents from group A and group B about the frequency, diversity and role of rituals in their family life, levels of family cohesion were identified. The criterion for the hierarchical sequence of cohesion levels is the number of different types of family rituals existing in the family (from 0 to 10).
“Cohesion 10–9” is distinguished not only by the large number of named rituals, but also by their detailed emotional description. Mutual assistance, good family relationships, and joint activities of family members were often mentioned.
At the “Cohesion 8” level, young people indicated that there were problems in the family, but this was a normal situation.
“Cohesion 7” is characterized by the desire of young people to improve the situation in their parental or future married families. The general trend of answers related to level “Cohesion 6” was the recognition of difficulties in the family, the alienation of family members from each other.
“Cohesion 5” and “Cohesion 4–3” refer to dysfunctional families; respondents indicated possible, from their point of view, reasons for this problem. People whose family cohesion was rated low (4–1) had difficulty remembering family rituals and talking about the continuity of traditions in the family. At the same time, this part of the respondents clearly expressed positive expectations from the inclusion of rituals in family life.
Introduction during correctional work Functional rituals specially developed for each specific family will help strengthen the family and increase its level of cohesion. New rituals can become the psychological means that will allow family members to combine individual independence with family identity based on close, emotionally positive relationships of care and mutual assistance, openness of communication, and flexibility of family roles.
This hypothesis was tested in the conditions of the Center for Social and Psychological Assistance to the Family (Arzamas). Families seeking psychological help, as a rule, are characterized by dissatisfaction with marital relationships, ineffective child-parent relationships, and have an undeveloped system of family traditions. The level of cohesion in these families is most often underestimated (disconnected type of family cohesion). This manifests itself in disruption of family communication, emotional distancing of family members, inconsistent behavior, difficulties in providing support to each other, and lack of common interests.
Let us analyze in more detail the situation in P.’s family.
In this family, both spouses have a desire to do “better for the family,” which means controlling the behavior, including the husband’s drinking (on the wife’s side), not entering into open conflicts with the wife, but not giving up their positions (on the husband’s side) ). The tense relationship between the spouses is regulated with the help of the problematic behavior of the teenage son. He begins to behave and study poorly, show lack of independence, forgetfulness, which allows parents to unite, cooperate with each other, come up with ways to influence their son, redistribute family responsibilities, involve the father more in raising his son, spend more time at home, etc. Others in words, the family formed dysfunctional ritual, supporting the family system in its existing position and preventing the family from falling apart. At the same time, the son bears the brunt of the parental relationship, refusing independence and emancipation from his parents.
In the process of correctional work, a change in the level of family cohesion was carried out through the introduction of a new ritual. We assumed that in a dysfunctional family, overestimation or underestimation of cohesion occurs due to an imbalance between the individual needs of each family member and the needs of the family as a whole. In order to normalize the level of cohesion in this family, it is necessary to strengthen the marital coalition by introducing a new functional ritual, which would allow husband and wife to realize their leadership needs while taking into account the needs of the other and the family as a whole. At the same time, the teenage son should have been freed from the role of mediator in these relations. Based on this, we offered the family a new ritual - “Leader’s Day.” Spouses must determine in advance which of them will lead on this day and who will obey the leader. At the same time, the second spouse retains an “advisory” role - he can express his opinion, offer to discuss the decision proposed by the leader, but does not have the right to demand or aggressively insist on his point of view. Spouses alternate in the leadership role. The proposed ritual was discussed with the family and was accepted by them. There were no fixed deadlines for the end of the ritual. A ritual can be used as long as it has a functional meaning for the family. At first, after the start of the new ritual, the family was provided with support in the form of a discussion of what was working and what was not working, and how family members felt. If necessary, adjustments were made.
About three months after the ritual began, changes occurred in the family. They were recorded using the T. Hering Family Test (FAST), which was also used in a diagnostic examination of the family, before the introduction of a new ritual, and conversations with all family members. According to the teenager, he is completely satisfied with what the family now has. “What’s even better, I don’t know yet,” he said. The teenager now has the opportunity to be autonomous from his parents. He noticed that mom became calmer and more cheerful, dad was at home more, and they almost stopped quarreling.
In another family (L.’s family), a situation arose in which the satisfaction of one of the spouses with his needs for maintaining self-esteem, the image of a husband and father, was combined with the dissatisfaction of the wife and son’s needs for attention, love and care. The family sought counseling regarding their son's aggressiveness. At the diagnostic stage, it was revealed that the family problem was broken marital relationships. The husband expressed his concern for the family mainly through the desire for high earnings and buying things for the family. Perhaps this was significantly influenced by the traumatic situation in which the family found itself, when the husband’s failures in business led to the breakup of the family, the exchange of an apartment, the payment of debts, etc. The emotional relationships of family members were disrupted, and inadequate ideas arose about how everyone sees the family situation of family members, what feelings they have towards each other. It turned out to be painful for the child to discuss any topics related to the family.
The role of the cat in this family is interesting. The animal in this family became the object towards which all family members experienced positive feelings. It has become an emotional thread in the family. Communication with an animal can be seen as another example of a dysfunctional ritual that maintains balance in the family.
The functional ritual proposed to the family was to organize a home party after making another purchase, when everyone gathers around the table and talks about the significance of the appearance of a new thing for each family member, how it will affect his life and the life of the entire family as a whole. .
The introduction of a new ritual entailed an improvement in the marital coalition, improved family communication, and the establishment of boundaries for the autonomy of each family member while maintaining emotional closeness and openness between them.
In general, the results obtained in the study allow us to draw the following conclusions.
1. Family cohesion includes the effectiveness of interpersonal communication, emotional identification with the family, and family rituals. The effectiveness of interpersonal communication is associated with the norms and rules adopted in a given family. Emotional identification with the family occurs through relationships of sympathy, as well as the assimilation of common values for the family. Family rituals serve as a normative regulation of family life and are a way of organizing events in which the meanings and tasks of joint family life are set.
2. Family dysfunction is associated with a decrease or inadequate strengthening of family cohesion, which occurs due to weakening or inadequate strengthening of emotional ties, deformation of relationships of dominance and responsibility, excessive autonomy of family members, rigidity of relationships, unformed system of family roles, and the emergence of dysfunctional coalitions within the family.
3. Families experiencing difficulties are characterized by an abnormal level of cohesion (overestimated or underestimated), which is supported by dysfunctional rituals, or, in other words, dysfunctional stabilizers of family relationships.
4. Rituals that help maintain family cohesion at a balanced level create a balance of forces that promote the unification of family members, giving family members the opportunity to develop individually and build relationships with each other based on their individual needs and ideas.
5. Ideas about the role of rituals in the family depend on the subjective assessment of family cohesion. With its high subjective assessment, traditions and rituals are given a significant role in the harmonious functioning of the family; there is motivation to preserve them and pass them on to younger generations, as well as to enrich the accumulated repertoire of family traditions.
6. The creation of a new ritual should be based on the characteristics of a particular family and contribute to the emergence of constructive patterns of behavior.
